Emails From Mort

Friday, May 18, 2012

Subject: Mexico Advises Iran How To Dispose Of Nuclear Waste
Time: 2:22pm

Mafalda: This is one of the most brilliant you have sent.
Mort: We love you and we love Mexico!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Subject: Yasmine’s Critiques Their Burbs, But Eventually The House Of Elegance Is Delivered Each Word. One-By-One So Hw Each Bunch….El
Time: 11:34am

Wednesday, May 23. 2012

Subject: As Long As You Milk Them Well Don’t Leave The UAE
Time: 7:54pm

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Subject: Mort’s Quantitative Love
Time: 7:55pm

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Subject: Mortzerati Quatromorto!
Time: 7:56pm

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Subject: Sex, Drugs And Romney N Roll!
Time: 7:58pm

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Subject: Obamacare Expands….
Time: 8:02pm

Friday, May 25, 2012

Subject: “The Salon” Initiates A Research & Development Initiative
Time: 4:48pm

Yesterday

Subject: The Corpse Of Nateq-e Nouri In NYC
Time: 7:43pm

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Subject: How To Destroy A Nation And Phuck A Generation
Time: 7:43pm

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Subject: Revisionism
Time: 7:45pm

Saturday, May 12

Subject: What Agronomy Is Not….
Time: 11:40pm

Tuesday, May 15

Subject: The Benefit Of Having A Leg To Stand On
Time: 9:54am

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Subject: Golpayegan Makes The News Again!
Time: 9:56am

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Subject: The Lion With Velvet Sword
Time: 9:57am

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Subject: “Ma’moun Is Hotter Than Amin,” Said Al Gore
Time: 9:59am

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Subject: Mort In His Labyrinth
Time: 10:10am

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Subject: The Tragic Consequence Of Overprotectionism
Time: 10:12am

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Subject: Competing With The Sink Hole
Time: 10:15am

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Subject: The Primateologist’s Office
Time: 10:16am

Wednesday, May 16

Subject: Putting A Dent Onto An Egyptian Woman’s Jug
Time: 6:23pm

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Subject: Bananas “Go Green” At Whole Paycheck Foods
Time: 6:24pm

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Subject: The Minimalist Craft Of Hanging
Time: 6:20pm

Mina: We should plan another Paris trip, dear.
Mort: Could we please?
Mina: Yes–Sahara–when shall we go to Paris next?
Mort: She hated the French even “before it was fashionable”!
Mina: How fun to be in France with a Francophobe!We could go to the place I went to for a lemonade that was served up so ignominiously!
Mort: The chicks have been to the lemonade venue several times! If you can mortvince any or both of them to tag along, it would be great.

Yesterday

Subject: Ironing Out One’s Corkage!
Time: 3:36pm

Mina: Zekreh kheireh shoma…The Lilliputian iron?
Mort: Yes, my most recent gift to Sahar; she is going to press Coco’s clothes with it.
Mina: I didn’t know Coco lives with her…
Mort: Coco belongs to Catherine, Sahar’s roommate.
Mina: I thought you didn’t like dogs, dear.
Mort: I don’t, but Sahar does! And Coco likes me TOO MUCH, bordering sexual harassment!
Mina: My dear, I do believe Coco is purposefully tormenting you…

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Subject: Ahmadinejad Promotes Vernacular Industries
Time: 3:38pm

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Subject: An Islamic Agitator
Time: 3:39pm

Mina: An ashghal kaleh…
Mort: Unfortunately, more malignant than a mere fucked-in-the-head; he managed to mislead a lot of vulnerable mofos!
Mina: Bah bah bah–cheghadr shoma ba adab hasteed, Morti jan. Sahar jan, I am marveling at your father’s politeness …
Mort: I reserve these acerbic words for those who managed to ruin our country
Mina: My dear, don’t mistake bad manners for scathing acerbic words.
Mort: Is Mort ill-mannered?
Mina: Yes, dear. Sometimes.
Mort: Should Mort apologize? Should Mort repent?
Mina: Not for me to say, dear.
Mort: I think I will go with status quo ante!

Today

Subject: Mexico Advises Iran How To Dispose Of Nuclear Waste
Time: 2:22pm

Saturday, May 5

Subject: Erectory Of Immaculate Conceptions
Time: 8:25pm

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Subject: The Door To Joan Miro’s House
Time: 8:27pm

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Subject: Masad, The Israeli Secret Police Was Detected Next To Khybar Pass
Time: 8:31pm

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Subject: Toilet Training Gone Awry
Time: 8:35pm

Sunday, May 6

Subject: Our Lady Of Mutual Caramel
Time: 8:11pm

Monday, May 7

Subject: An Inadvisable Surname
Time: 6:54pm

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Subject: Mohammad Ali Shah & His Brother In Drag
Time: 6:56pm

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Subject: Messianic Value Of Bolsheviks
Time: 7:05pm

Tuesday, May 8

Subject: Maritime Travel In Brooklyn
Time: 8:13am

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Subject: Confessions Of A Jealous Artist
Time: 8:14am

Mafalda: Accurate and brilliant!
Mort: Thanks love.

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Subject: Metamorphosis Of David Bowie
Time: 9:07am

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Subject: Father Of The Month
Time: 9:28am

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Subject: A Cat Sentinel Impersonating An Owl
Time: 9:29am

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Subject: Feline Sentinel Posing As A Cat
Time: 9:31am

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Subject: Mort Is A Simple Man And He Cares For Animal Rights
Time: 2:34pm

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Subject: The New French Prez Is A Brit
Time: 2:49pm

….His teeth are evidence!

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Subject: The Unmentionable Masquerade
Time: 5:44pm

Wednesday, May 9

Subject: Rodentophile Orientalism
Time: 6:35pm

Yesterday

Subject: Arranged Marriage
Time: 2:02am

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Subject: Pareent!
Time: 2:11am

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Subject: Send Your Daughters To Nun-Run Escolitos!
Time: 2:18am

Wednesday, May 2

Subject: “The Blues” Danube
Time: 11:35am

A sad case of Qaddafi ship-jumper.

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Subject: The Other One Really Liked It!
Time: 12:38pm

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Subject: Under The TSA Radar
Time: 12:40pm

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Subject: The Viagra Panacea
Time: 12:41pm

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Subject: Portrait Of Mort With Multilingual Coca
Time: 3:27pm

Mina: Where did you get the Iranian Coke bottle?
Mort: Mexico! Buhahah! But it’s Egyptian–bouble buhahhhaa!
Mina: Bubble or Bauble…right.
Mafalda: What can I say after such a wise perspectives and perceptions!!
Mort: And the lovely components acquired in Aguas Mortientes!
Mafalda: And Aguas Mortientes is always the second home for Mortirio Diaz!!
Mort: I shall be a privileged resident there as long as the old gent with the pink broom greets me every morning!
Mafalda: Not only in Aguascalientes, in Puebla and Oaxaca we’ll get a valet service for you, just in pink!!
Mort: Thanks, dearest!

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Subject: My Name Is Seltza’
Time: 3:29pm

Walt Seltza’!

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Subject: They Keep “Pitching” Their Cause To Mort The Magnificent!
Time: 4:26pm

Yesterday

Subject: Anti-Entomologic Latex
Time: 12:06pm

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Subject: The Tall Brick Wall Of Immigration
Time: 12:08pm

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Subject: UFOs Following Mert
Time: 5:05pm

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Subject: Birth Of Philosopher Prognosticator
Time: 8:22pm

Today

Subject: In Search Of Certified, Authentic Anti-Commies…
Time: 9:49am

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Subject: Persophobia And The “Arab Spring”
Time: 12:22pm

Mina: Astonishing.
Mort: Egypt, Libya, etc will follow.

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Subject: A Denver City Worker Praying To Allah
Time: 12:52pm

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Subject: Mort In The Guilded Age
Time: 12:55pm

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Subject: The Clergy’s Disapproval Of Immunology
Time: 12:58pm

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Subject: History Of Racism Is Not Linear
Time: 1:02pm

Sahar: NYTimes stories for the next Sunday edition: “We Talked to some Black people. It is hard being black.” and “My son tells me Brooklyn is cool” and “Hey! Look! Artisanal bee pollen displayed on repurposed lawn ornaments!”
Mort: My daughters are so beautiful and clever.
Mina: Yes, they are, dear.
Mort: Because of me, of course!
Mina: No, not really.
Mort: That’s what they tell me.
Mina: Right on. They’re smart.

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Subject: No Perverted Penguins Allowed!
Time: 2:45pm

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Subject: Via His Business, Mort Continues To Be Popular
Time: 2:47pm

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Subject: Methodical Homophobia
Time: 3:07pm

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Subject: Heavy Wheeled Humping On Da Roadz!
Time: 3:50pm

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Subject: A Smile Para Me Chicitas!
Time: 3:53pm

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Subject: How To “Control” Camel Jockeys…
Time: 5:23pm

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Subject: Mort Is Horsing Around In His Blue Period
Time: 6:01pm

Sahar: Where did that come from?
Mort: It symbolizes Denver Broncos.

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Subject: Mort Was Taken To The Polish Embassy In A Fiat Lada To Take Sanctuary…
Time: 6:18pm

Subject: This Is What Academia Does To Women
Time: 7:21am

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Subject: From Fabreez To Parees (Paris a la Persian)
Time: 7:29am

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Subject: Mortality & Animals
Time: 7:30am

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Subject: Abu Dhabi & Manchester
Time: 7:32am

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Subject: Flying One’s Own Sun Bought From El Mercado Del Sol
Time: 7:09am

Mina: That’s just a big fat balloon, dear.
Mort: Sorry love, my imagination went too fat this morning!
Yasmine: so cute! Where did this comez fron?
Mort: Oklahomerz, it be a baloon para weather forecastin’.

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Subject: Elizabettan Nineo
Time: 7:33am

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Subject: Passive Resistance Coming To Sugar Land, Texas
Time: 1:01pm

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Subject: The 9 tear Old Ayesheh Was From Cambridge
Time: 1:18pm

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Subject: The Shield, A Necessary Fixture In Qazvin
Time: 2:03pm

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Subject: A European Gets Aroused (Crotch Engorgement) By Seeing An Oriental
Time: 3:41pm

Friday, April 27th

Subject: Feudals Of Ahar!
Time: 8:17pm

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Subject: Mort-Ul-Emareh, Woven For His Pleasure
Time: 8:25pm

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Subject: A Sub-Ghetto At The Mortopolis
Time: 8:30pm

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Subject: “Mazeris”=Wit Splasher
Time: 8:43pm

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Subject: Professor Evil At The Mortopolis
Time: 8:49pm

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Subject: The Multi-Tasking Village Stream
Time: 9:05pm

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Subject: Mort’s Sherbet: Vanilla, Chocolate And Lavender “Infusion”
Time: 8:37pm

Mina: Tarte Tatin infusion…
Mort: Tart Mortain!

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Subject: Minaesque Typography
Time: 8:39pm

Mina: Ba khateh kharchang ghoorbagheyi…
Mort: When fargs fall in love with shrimps!

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Subject: Welcome To The Mortorian Gallery
Time: 8:27pm

Mina: Mondrian or Rothkoish Mondrian?
Mort: Mortirian Rothchild

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Subject: Mondrian (Mortirian)
Time: 8:30pm

Saturday, April 28

Subject: Crouching Tiger Flying Pepper Suppositories
Time: 8:31pm

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Subject: The New Ultra Obscured
Time: 8:48pm

Yesterday

Subject: A Grinder Eyeing Its Victim
Time: 1:26pm

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Subject: Islamic Face Mask For Women
Time: 2:08pm

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Subject: The “Long Champs” Of Alfresco Bestiality
Time: 2:13pm

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Subject: Praising Mort With Poetry Written On Yellow Colored Papers
Time: 2:17pm

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Subject: University, It’s Not Like It Used To Be!
Time: 9:47pm

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Subject: “Blood Thirsty Baharlus,” States The IRI Propaganda….
Time: 9:50pm

…You be the judge who has the real thirst for blood….

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Subject: Nezam-e Jadid Rolls!
Time: 9:56pm

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Subject: The Bust Of Bobst
Time: 10:04pm

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Subject: The Jailhouse At The 23rd-8th Ave Station (TWO PICS)
Time: 10:07pm

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Subject: Mobility Is Hazardous To Mort’s Health
Time: 10:09pm

Yesterday

Subject: Barak O Is From Darab, Evidence Attached
Time: 9:39am

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Subject: A Multitasking Green Hipster Before Falling Down
Time: 9:39am

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Subject: Prohibition In The Brothel District A’A “New City”–1921
Time: 9:40am

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Subject: Hallucinogenic Aspects Of Big Mac Expressed In Levitation
Time: 9:41am

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Subject: Canine Ophthalmia Is Epidemic In NYC
Time: 3:37pm

Miguel: Cute, thanks Gosh Coco has not that problem

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Subject: The IRI Admiral’s Name Is “Griefless Lackey” — Khadem-e Bee-Gham!
Time: 3:38pm

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Subject: People Used To Walk All Over Sultan Ahmad Shah
Time: 3:42pm

Mina: He was such a Fat Boy.
Mort: In 1922, however, he lost 100 pounds, but in 1923 regained 105!

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Subject: An Ugly “Lord Of Creation” Results Into An Ugly Nation
Time: 3:44pm

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Subject: Mort Is Running For The Mayor Of Paradaeza
Time: 3:47pm

Yasmine: Cinema Paradaeza
Mort: You are sooooooo kute!

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Subject: A Rodent Went To Reed College To Study Linguistics!
Time: 3:48pm

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Subject: “Darioush, Rest In Peace, Because…”
Time: 3:51pm

Mina: Kourosh beedareh?
Mort: Yes, but busy freeing up dem Jewz!

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Subject: Goats Are Exempt From Roaming Fees
Time: 10:50pm

Miguel: That’s what you were drinking LOL

Today

Subject: Ethnic Stimulation; Natives Are Restless!
Time: 9:05am

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Subject: Cypresses One Step Before The Wind Strikes Them And Paisleys Are Formed
Time: 9:12am

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Subject: Triumph Arches Under Which Mort Walks
Time: 9:14am

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Subject: The Lone Pulpit For Auto-Hygiene
Time: 9:19am

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Subject: An Ideal Ambulance For Salon Totalitaire
Time: 9:24am

Miguel: Buy it and hang it from the ceiling too !

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Subject: Mort Is Not The Sole Pharma Promoter
Time: 9:26am

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Subject: Before The Orgy Begins The Mullah And The Apprentice Explain The Rules And Regulations
Time: 1:30pm

Yasmine: “Let’s say the safe word is ‘Allahu Snack Bar’”
Mort: You’re a delight.
Mina: …or let’s just say allahulasaleala mohamad va aleh mohamad…or abracadabra schlmiel schlmossel schnorrer and hocus pocus.
Mort: Such erotic phrases!